Why is TTC So Damn Hard?

I’ve been through many emotional battles in my life- depression, anxiety, OCD, and grief. Each one took its toll on me in their own way. Yet, I never prepared myself for the emotionally draining journey of trying to conceive.

I have undergone surgery in attempt to assist my chance of natural conception. The procedure was what it known as Ovarian Drilling, whereby the surgeon breaks through the thick membrane of the ovaries. Due to my PCOS, I have a thicker membrane around my ovaries than most women. The thicker the membrane, the more testosterone produced. During the procedure, miniscule holes are made in the ovaries, lowering the amount of testosterone produced. In theory, this increases my chances of falling pregnant naturally. Though, only around 50% of women have success in their first year.

It’s too early to tell how successful my surgery is, but I did experience my first menstrual cycle in over seven months, so it looks promising so far. I never thought the day would come where I would get excited about my period, yet somehow, I was. Sure, it meant I wasn’t pregnant, but it was a sign that my body was ovulating by itself.

It’s too early to tell how successful my surgery is, but I did experience my first menstrual cycle in over seven months, so it looks promising so far. I never thought the day would come where I would get excited about my period, yet somehow, I was. Sure, it meant I wasn’t pregnant, but it was a sign that my body was ovulating by itself.

A Struggle Every Day

When a couple is trying to conceive, it’s on their mind pretty much every waking hour. As hard as I try to push it to the back of mind, it just does not happen. For my husband, it is a little easier for him but not by much.

There are constant triggers and reminders. Social media is filled with posts about babies and children, so is the news and most of the TV shows I indulge in. Even a majority of books I read feature babies or children. I constantly see babies and toddlers in my workplace. No matter where I turn and no matter what I do, I am constantly reminded. I am happy for friends and relatives who have announced their pregnancies but if I’m honest it is a bit of a kick in the guts.

I understand that not stressing is the best thing to do but it really is easier said than done. With these constant reminders it brings it all back to the forefront of my mind no matter how hard I tried to forget. When people ask when we’re going to be having a baby it’s even worse.  

It drains me emotionally and physically (and I’m not talking about the sex side of things). Some nights I don’t sleep well because it intrudes in my thought space just as I put my head on the pillow. Other times I break down in tears which then drains my energy. It is exhausting. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me sad or anxious because it does.

I struggle to deal with seeing others falling pregnant easily. I’m not necessarily annoyed at those who fall pregnant easily or even accidentally fall pregnant. No. I’m more annoyed at how in so many TV shows and movies it just seems to happen. A couple get together and fall pregnant just like that. In reality, that isn’t the case for most people. For those shows and movies that do shed a light on this, I applaud them. It is refreshing to see.

One show I admire is Brooklyn Nine Nine. Not only is it my favourite comedy, but they shine a light on the issues of conception, and they do it well. My husband and I finally found a scenario on TV that we could relate to. But we could also learn from it- to not put so much pressure on ourselves and seek guidance.

I know that the stress and anxiety I am feeling won’t help. A lot of people might say that writing about it isn’t the best way to deal with it but for me it is. I have always taken comfort in writing as it is a way for me to lay down my thoughts and let out everything I am feeling.

Continuing the Journey

For now, the TTC journey continues into the eight month. All we can do is continue what we’ve been doing every other month and hope that maybe this month it happens. We will try to keep the pressure off ourselves as ask that our friends and family do the same. This is a personal journey, but I have chosen to share it in the hopes that somebody out there can relate and know that they are not alone.

It’s a struggle and a long road ahead, but one day we will realise that all these tears lead to our biggest triumph. I can’t wait for that day to come.